Im running on empty. And I have no idea how to get full again. It just feels like Im wasting more gas rather than saving it. Because Im expecting way too much from something that can’t give me any of it.
There’s that type of anger that you can’t explain to anyone. You can’t describe to them just how infuriated and enraged you are inside, how your blood boils at the thought, and how you wish you just never met certain people. People who never did admit what they did to you, how they portrayed you, how they set out to ruin you. How do you explain that type of anger to people? How do you explain that kind of betrayal to people? You can’t. You can’t explain it without seeming bitter, seeming crazy. You can’t describe it without people giving you the speech of ‘do not let it have power over you’ or ‘do not let it consume you’ because that’s the type of thing that people who don’t understand do say. Like you’re not allowed to feel this way. As if you’re not entitled to feel this way. They don’t understand so why bother wasting your breath?
It’s been awhile since I’ve poured my heart out. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and thought things through. It’s been awhile since I’ve been alone with my thoughts, surrounded with nothing but silence. I’ve been on the go, kept busy, kept my mind busy, kept my hands occupied, kept my thoughts focused. Because it’s easier to keep my feelings in check when I’m.. busy. But then I start to ignore the phase I find myself settling into again. That deep crevice in the portrait of my life that I try so hard to jump over so many times, but then find myself swallowed into it once in awhile. That dark crack in what seems to be a perfect, flat land that I sometimes have to claw myself out of. I never realize how deep I am in that crevice because my eyes are kept upward, paying attention to what’s happening above me. And then I finally get a moment to look down.. realizing that I am far too deep with paranoia settling in that if my foot slips, I will fall until I can no longer see above me.
